How do you grieve for yourself? How do you possibly explain to people that every single day is a reminder that the person that you thought you were doesn’t exist anymore. I’m going to get psychological now, at least I’m learning something in my degree, Jodie does not exist to me… Everyone else has their own perception. So, I expect nothing has changed for most people. Every single day something happens. Every single day it’s pain, worry, fatigue, thoughts that absolutely no one deserves, guilt, fear and I could go on. My heart hurts and I don’t know how to change it because I’m grieving for a person who is still here. It sounds so ungrateful and that makes me hate myself even more.  I am so tired of people not understanding. I know I can’t change that, but it makes me retreat further. When my anxiety rears its ugly head and silences me, or my loneliness and self-loathing make me hide myself away, I want nothing more than to scream. But I can’t. Because people still have a perception of me and I’m jealous because they still get to have that, and I don’t.

On a good day, I can carry on as normal (or whatever that means now). Set lists, university, singing lessons, appointments, work…taking it all in my stride with my fingers crossed that I don’t let myself down. Fingers crossed that no one notices how I look, how my smile slipped for a second, how I’m not ‘normal Jodie’. Who even is that anymore? The worst part? I’m tired of searching for help and being turned away. I’m tired of fighting for myself anymore and not being listened to or made to feel like a bother. Cancer isn’t a temporary blip. Not for me anyway. It has transformed my life into this new chapter of a book that I didn’t buy.

On a bad day, I’m the worst person to ever exist. I’m studying mental health and wellbeing as my current module in my degree, and you can learn about intrusive thoughts etc, but it isn’t even the half of it. On a bad day, I’m a failure. My body lets me down every day and I can’t trust it anymore. How do you move on from that? I’ve rung the support lines they push out to you as a cancer survivor/patient/whatever and they get you through the current crisis, but no one has an answer for coping. The last time I reached out was over a live chat service as I couldn’t even have faith in myself to call the number. The option I selected was for general support/info and I was met with the response of “You do know we are not a counselling service don’t you?” Yes thank you, I do know, thanks for your time, goodbye.

I don’t know what to do anymore. This isn’t me giving up, this is me saying that I am tired. I’m tired of the person that I am, and it breaks my heart that I can’t change me. It’s just day after day, one thing after another, and it’s hard. Depression and anxiety are insidious. They wait in the shadows, biding their time, and creep into your brain when you are at your most vulnerable, ready to strike out at your weaknesses. Like I said, I’m not giving up, people need to start talking more though. It’s something I struggle with. I have a stigma with the word ‘normal’ and I think that’s maybe why I hide what’s going on. At least these thoughts may get me back into the routine of writing my blog again.

Double appointment week this week. Getting some results on Wednesday where I shall have my fingers and toes crossed. If anyone reads this before then, please do the same.