7th April 2020, I’m in my final week of radiotherapy and I’m having a bad night, well a bad couple of days really. I’m not normally one for showing a vulnerability through this whole experience but sometimes I need to remind myself that I am human. I am a member of a couple Facebook support groups for cancer patients. This is something I have just posted on one of them.

I’m not very good at calling for help.. I actually hate even typing this out. I honestly expected to be over the moon right now. Last year once I’d thought that I had come to terms with my diagnosis I figured out that it would be over by April 2020 and I was so excited for the day the treatment would be finished. I almost feel guilty to say that I don’t feel that way at all. I’m literally sat in my bed right now tearing up and crying because I can’t possibly understand my thoughts.
Now I know a lot of people have it worse than me and this is possibly why I feel guilty – I’m not happy about treatment coming to an end when there are others still going through much worse situations than me. I feel like I’m being pushed in to the big wide world, into my new normal with no clue what I’m supposed to do. To put it bluntly, I feel fat, frustrated and afraid.
The whole way through my treatment I was trusting, smily (for the most part) and positive. My positivity is for the most part the first thing people comment on. Since diagnosis I’ve posted a positivity photo every day on social media and it’s been my way of finding a tiny smile in each day. Now I’m struggling to find the smiles, I’m struggling to connect to this ‘new me’ like really, will I just be overcome with fear every time I feel something new? I just feel a bit lost and without sounding dramatic I hate my body. I hate that it has betrayed me with my genetic condition and I hate that I have no control over what happens anymore.
Thank you for listening, tomorrow will be a new day where hopefully I’ll remember my body is strong and capable of many things but I just need to get some stuff off my chest.
I don’t know what I would do without this group xx